Burnt Out

I am exhausted and tired and so so so close.

I've been able to hold it together this long and now I feel myself slipping more everyday. I know when he is coming home and I know that everything will be amazing when he gets here. Its just getting to that point is killing me. I can't eat, I can't sleep and all I think about is making everything perfect.

I understand that he doesn't care if the house if perfect, I do. I also understand that he wants me to calm down and relax. But what I don't understand is how. I really don't.

I'll be fine. Just one night of sleep longer than 3 hours, and my outlook on life would improve. Until then, just coffee and more coffee. Trying to stay awake to watch the kids and then clean some more.

Hints for later in Life

When getting the kids ready for bed, I made a mistake. Do not, I repeat do not, have a dancing party in the kitchen. Funny yes, make kids want to go to sleep, no.

Second, do not have a second dancing party while putting the kids in their beds. They were enjoying it, but they no longer wanted to go to sleep.

Third, do not tickle the kids. I tickled them both so much, that they literally peed the diapeys. Anna was so so mad at me, she said it was my fault. It was, but I was laughing so hard.

Lastly, after all the aforementioned, do not expect the kids to just go to sleep. Expect to walk upstairs to the kids having a dancing party on the stairs, in the hallway and on top of their beds and want me to join them again. I did and it was awesome, but now I must live with the consequences. Wound up and happy kids that want to dance on you while you are trying to go to sleep.

AARGH!!

It has just been one of those days!!

Something, somewhere, is waking both me and the kids up at 3 every morning. I don't know what it is, but the last three days in a row we have been up. The first day was cool, we had an ice cream party. The next two nights have not been nearly as exciting. I''m exhausted and burnt out. So on top of that, Gagey is getting some more teeth. They keep coming up and going back down. Normally this doesn't bother me, I've already lived through 34 teeth coming up, that is an accurate number by the way. However, today was one of those days where nobody wanted to cooperate with me. Since Gagey was cranky and crying and throwing fits over everything, Anna wanted in on the fun too. I'm not ashamed to admit, I cried more than once. So this morning was a total wash and they are lucky they survived till this afternoon. So, I made a good compromise with them and this afternoon we watched Wall E and Tinkerbell in my room. I gave them ice cream and a healthy dose of Tylenol.

That definitely improved the outlook on the day. While they were distracted I spent an hour trying to get a file cabinet upstairs. This file cabinet was so heavy and the drawers would not come out. Eventually I got it upstairs and got stuff in it. What a damn ordeal, but I got it done. Who needs help when you have determination? OK course the answer is me, but that will come soon enough. Very soon as a matter of fact.

Why do I need help so badly you ask? I went outside tonight to talk to the mother in law. We were on the phone for maybe 10 minutes. It was a nice calm ten minutes, the kids were inside. Suddenly I hear a click on the door behind me. Crap, I had to let Fran go because I was almost positive the kids locked me outside. I slowly stood up and turned to face the door and try to open it. Try, by the way, was the key word. I was most definitely locked out. I walked around to the back door, yep that was locked too. Of course I didn't bring the keys, they were hanging up where they should. So, I went to the front door and knocked and rang the doorbell. Both Anna and Gagey came to the window. It took like 10 minutes to talk the kids through unlocking the door. I should have known better anyway.

But at the end of the day, we are one day closer to normalcy. Anna and Gagey still love me and I love them. Most importantly they are still alive to do this all over again tomorrow.

Things That Make Your Day

This morning we got another box from Jonathan. I few days ago, we received Wii Fit in the mail. The Wii hadn't gotten here yet, that was a little sad. So today, we got a box and the Wii was in there! That made my morning, I'm super excited to play it and so are the kids. In the box, was also Anna's bday shirt from her Daddy. It is a super cute shirt. Anna loves the shirt. She put it on immediately and told me that she is going to wear until her Daddy comes home.

Also in the box were some juggling scarves. You know the ones that help you learn how to juggle. I haven't touched anything like that since about sixth grade. Anna immediately knew what they were and she asked me to show her how to do it. I agreed, it would at least make them laugh at my complete ineptitude at juggling. I got ready, made the kids get out of the way and I started. What do you know, I can juggle scarves!! I have honestly never been able to do it before. I remember that I never received a passing grade in elementary gym on juggling. That made me day.

Gagey has this new thing that when I leave the room and come back. He runs up to me gives me a big hug and says "I missed you!"

After we were sitting down for dinner. I made BBQ chicken and corn and peaches for dessert. Anna looks over at me and says "Thank you Momma" I looked at her and said why are you thanking me honey. She said "Thanks for making dinner Momma, you are a good cook. Thank you for cooking for me. I love you" I started crying. It is so nice when you are noticed for your efforts, more so when a 3yr old notices.

It has been 14 months and two days since Jonathan left for Iraq. We have less than one month until he is home. Everyday that it gets closer, the more nervous and excited I get. We have a meeting on Friday and they should hopefully be able to give us some more accurate dates. Wish us luck!!

One more thing, when I did the spell check before I posted, I had no spelling errors!!! Good for me!

Growing up part 2

Earlier today, I posted about how Anna is growing up. Here is her picking out her own clothes. She cleverly matched her top and bottom by getting both a pink and a blue sock. She knows how to match, she must have read about her varying degrees of success and proved me wrong again.







I also spoke of how I have a hard time thinking of baby Anna. Less than 12 hours later, I had my very own epiphany. I remember Anna and Gagey as babies. They will grow up and won't need me for the same things that they do now or did then. However, what they do need now I will treasure for the rest of my life. They need love and attention and cuddles. Gagey let me rock and sing him to sleep this afternoon. I still have my babies, you just have to look a little harder sometimes.

It also helps when they are not talking

Growing up

Yesterday was Anna's third birthday. Its amazing really. Three years ago, I cried because I finally got to hold her in my arms. Now, I cry because she won't let me hold her. Well I don't really cry, I may sniffle a few times. Anna is incredibly bright for her age. She's funny and understands abstract concepts and on top of that she is incredibly beautiful. Its so hard to remember baby Anna sometimes. Baby Anna was small and bald and didn't talk, what a turnaround now.

Here is what Anna has accomplished up to her third birthday.

1. She can count to 25 in English and 13 in Spanish.

2. She can sing several songs by memory, ABC's, twinkle twinkle, itsy bitsy, and my favorite is amazing grace.

3. Her favorite toy is still Brown Bear, she has added a second Brown Bear actually

4. She can wash her own hair. Turn the bath on and off when the water level is correct, get her own towel, and wash Gagey's hair as well

5. Anna is relatively self sufficient when it comes to snack time. She opens the fridge, pulls out what she wants, stabs it until it opens (or asks for my help when the stabbing doesn't work) gets her silverware, and then cleans up when she is done.

6. She loves zombie movies

7. Anna dresses herself. I let her wear whatever she wants, as long as it weather appropriate. She is pretty good at matching. OK, that's a lie, she looks like an adorable toddler that dresses herself with varying degrees of success.

8. She watches out for her little brother, she loves him. She mostly has his best interest in mind, but they do fight like brother and sister.

9. She wants an allowance

10. Anna is potty trained. She has no accidents in the day time at all. She can go all by herself and only needs reminders when she is really really playing. Night time isn't in her control yet, but she doesn't have a big enough bladder yet.

As to this point, Jonathan and I have succeeded. She is right on track and I may be biased but she is much smarter than all of her friends here. Congratulations Jonathan, you have done a great job, she will definitely be smarter than me and maybe as smart as you.

A day in the life of us

Today was a typical day. Fulls of ups and downs and laughter and tears. But it was a good day. It started out amazing, a got a phone call at 630 this morning. Most people wouldn't be as excited as I was to receive a phone call that early. I, however, was ecstatic. I was able to talk to Jonathan for almost 30 minutes!! The kids weren't awake, so I got a whole phone call to myself. On top of that, I got Jonathan pictures. It is amazing seeing him. Most people wouldn't understand how a picture can totally make your week, your month, your year. I miss his goofy smile. Man I love that guy.

The kids got up and we watched some cartoons. It was nice and relaxing, an almost perfect Sunday morning. Then, I was feeling mighty ambitious and we all went to Walmart. We spent almost three hours there. I know that seems like a long time and it is. The kids were good though!! They were great, they let me let me spend all that time there. It was great and almost relaxing. Sure the babies were running around running away, but they didn't freak out on me. I got to walk down all the aisles I wanted to. Normally that doesn't happen.

We got home and I thought that they were going to sleep, boy was I wrong. I threw them all off schedule and it wasn't their nap time. So this afternoon, we chilled. We cuddled and watched movies and read books. I made dinner and that is when the full scale meltdown occurred. They didn't want to eat or sit or drink or look at me. Yeah, they went to bed at 745. If I was smart, I would go to bed now. Unfortunately, I'm not that smart, I'm going to stay up and watch Private Practice and Bones and maybe even some House.

Oh, I forgot to mention, as I was putting the kids to bed, I went to get them diapers. What do you know, I didn't have any left. Crap, three hours at Walmart and I didn't get the one thing I desperately needed.

Yep, just a normal day.

Why my kids are cooler than yours

First off, Melissa I'm not saying that my kids are cooler, its just a neat tittle. Also, my kids are awesome!

1. I moved the couch so I could clean behind it. As I was moving it back, Anna and Gagey ran behind it saying, "Dr. Indy, move faster, Dr. Indy move." That's right, they play Indiana Jones.

2. They call President Obama, Prezzy Omama

3. As of yesterday, their new flavor of the week was, are you ready? Mr. David Bowie. Yes, you read that correctly. I played them The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and they totally dug it. Although, they aren't all about Rock N Roll Suicide, well you win some and you lose some.

4. The flavor of the week last week was NIN. The babies love to jam while we are driving!

5. Their new favorite movie it Kermit, The Swamp Years.

6. Anna giggles when she farts.

7. Oh shit, I forgot, we watched Land of the Dead a couple days ago. I expected the kids to be scared or worried, what I didn't expect is for them to sit through it. I mean they were riveted. They wanted to watch it again. So, I am going to do the series in order for them. I think they will appreciate it later in life.

8. They love meatloaf and roasted potatoes. They think cookies are an acceptable breakfast. Popsicles are ok for dinner. String cheese is in its own food group. We went to the shopette (gas station) and they picked out milk to buy rather than soda.

9. Anna and Gagey hold hands walking down stairs, or checking the mail. They don't like leaving each other behind.

10. I still can't find the drumsticks.

The one award I'll get this year

OK, here's the deal. My friend Märia, passed on her blogging award to me. It's pretty straight and to the point. I'm fairly new to the whole blog scene and I'm pretty excited about what I can do with it.

In this, Märia had a great idea and skipped any answer that could be answered with the family. You know I love my family and I know I do, so its more about everything else I love and value.

SO....here I go.


Six Things I Value:

My Spot Bot
Picassa, without that our family wouldn't see the kids on an almost daily basis
My book collection
DVR, although I do love Dora, I really need some Adult TV
The commissary being literally 5 minutes away
My sanity, lord know I have a very tenuous hold on it

Six Things I Don’t Value
Ignorant people, that are afraid of change
Maintenance fees on paid off credit cards
Snow shovel shopping in November, or EVER!!!
The price of candles, its out of control really, and I have an addiction to them
People that speed in a family neighborhood
Time Changes

Six people I’m passing my blog award to
Melissa
Cody
Jonathan
Ryan
that's it, I don't have six people to pass it along too

Distance

As the crow flies, our family is seperated by 6889 miles. Not quite half a world away, but close enough. Time passes and things change and the world continues to go on, without even a thought on what has changed before it. I could tell you how I've cried myself to sleep or wished that Jonathan was able to give me a hug when I needed it the most. Or how my heart breaks everytime Anna and Gage ask for their Daddy. But, I won't. You know that and I know that. There have been some sad times for this family, a lot of hard times. There are always the good times though.

You think that being 6889 miles away would change your priorites. That somehow the basics of what Jonathan needs are just different. It is the same; food, shelter, and entertainment. Sure, Jonathan eats the same thing day after day, week after a week and on a schedule that would even drive an OCD person crazy. Rather than a bed, he gets a cot, yuck. With a room that he has to share. Nothing he has is private, nothing is just his alone. As for entertainment, they are stuck with whatever they can get on their maybe four channels and if the internet is working, the possibilites are almost endless.

We, as in the children and I, live for that moment everyday when the phone rings. Daddy has he own special ringer, so the kids come running when they hear it. Talking to him, is like getting a lifeline everyday. I get the opportunity to fill Jonathan in on what he missed, and try to fit it in only 5 minutes. We never know how long we get to talk. No matter how long we do talk, we always say I love you, that can never be rushed. On the days that Jonathan isn't able to call, I feel myself sinking, my hand on the phone the rest of the day just hoping.

OK, getting to the good. Gage's face lights up when he hears his Daddy's voice. He can pick Jonathan's face out an any picture. He woke me up this morning by running into my room and saying "I wuv yu Dada!" Anna has several conversations with her Dad every day, either real or imaginary. She plays games with him and has an entire memory of her Daddy playing with her or talking her to the park. They love him unconditionally and that has never changed. Him being in the next room or thousands of miles away, they still love him the same.